The last month has not been good. I've been unable to sleep and keep getting hit with overwhelming waves of sadness and crying. Started researching ways to die. Yesterday my therapist helped me find a bunch of daily intensive outpatient programs for depression, and we called them. All but one said they didn't accept my insurance, and the other wasn't sure. Just received the call this morning that they don't either. I don't want to go back to the hospital -- I wanted to die even more from the boredom the last time I admitted myself. I don't know what more I can do at this point.

I don't want to be the guy giving advice here, since I struggle with depression myself and feel a little choked up just reading some of these posts, but if you can do anything at all to make yourself feel less terrible, do that thing. In my experience, it has helped immensely. Eat your favorite food. Even if you're not in the mood, turn on one of your favorite movies or albums, read one of your favorite books,etc. Reach out to an old friend. Tell someone you love them. It can work wonders.

Won't give anyone advice on how to deal with depression, as I haven't quite mastered it yet. But one curious thing I've noticed, that might be of use to others, is how depression could be situated in relation to what one's willing to "put up with" at a given moment.Can't speak for anyone else, but when I feel depressed, it usually goes hand in hand with stupid shit bothering me more. Insipid things, minor (or major) annoyances and so on will get under my skin and and my resistance will be lower. And if my patience is worn thin and I'm not in full possession of my faculties I might complain.But when I'm feeling quite well I can entertain the dumbest shit imaginable (ancient aliens, flat earth theory) without it getting on my nerves as much. I can overhear insensitive comments or crude cheap shots, or witness stupid or silly behavior, or hear about how we're all going to hell in a handbasket, and not take it at all personally (even if I'm "supposed to").So maybe there's some kind of "lesson" that could be teased out of this. Not that you should necessarily put up with bullshit 24/7 if you're "unstuck," but more that if you read your own emotions in response to various stimuli you can kind of gauge how resilient you are psychologically, and what you're capable of taking on at a given moment. Some days it's best not to take on much of anything at all and be aloof, if you can afford to. Sometimes it's best to untangle yourself, and just "be."

FUCKLIFE

I've been going through some personal issues lately, and have definitely succumb to bids of melancholy. I'm not sure it's depression with a capital D, but at its worst, it has veered toward more disinterest and donothingness than I've ever really experienced. But, to be fair, it doesn't usually reach those levels. And I know that some of the circumstances surrounding it are going to fade away soon, this isn't my first rodeo. What's interesting is that I can feel in my body when the depressive bout goes away. It is gradual, like a sunrise, and I suddenly feel active and interested. Is that serotonin? Either way, it makes me wonder what is actually going on in my body and what factors I can change to keep that sunrise powerful and regular. Exercise always gives me a boost, but it doesn't last all day. Sunshine helps a lot too, that's coming. Maybe some more turmeric?

Re: Ancient Aliens, it's one thing to spin "an old wive's tale," or embellish for entertainment purposes. For instance, Bukowski (not one of my favorite authors) took so many liberties with his persona and semi-autobiographical fiction that several of his peers rightly dubbed him "Bullshitski" early on, even though few of his fans today seem to care. No, the problem with the show Ancient Aliens and the constellation of crackpot theories surrounding it is that they're making factual claims about historical and anthropological evidence and it's all complete, fabricated bullshit, as this video politely and painstakingly pointed out a few years back. (Incidentally, right now I happen to be wearing the coolest t-shirt ever, and it's related!)Anyway, depression... sometimes it's chemical, sometimes it's situational, sometimes its genetic, sometimes...who knows where it came from, but it's here and you have to deal with it. Can say that it's definitely worn me down as a person, to the point that I find solace sometimes in strange things (like old movies nobody seems to care about, or uptempo soul music that never charted much, or new astronomy and cosmology videos on YouTube). I can claim to be on top of things and the "master of my fate," and maybe I am for some time. But eventually the blues will return and I'll have to wait them out. Doesn't matter how much money one has, whether he's liked by his close circle of friends, whether he's achieved something cool in his art or career, etc., etc. When one's depressed he's depressed. It's like being lonely, it can affect anyone at anytime, you could be a bum under a bridge or a famous tennis player with countless associates. I try to keep my mind occupied, but it still sneaks up from time to time.

Adam Sr wrote:FUCKLIFENO PM

Bad week, actively have to write things out or speak to myself to keep from catastrophizing. I am driving myself a bit crazy, and the weird part is I can't pin down why. Three things fell on me at once - an ex moving on, a housemate leaving, minor financial troubles - and I think they kicked in an angst over the rest of this year that I went into self-destruct mode.It's fine, I had a shitty night and all, but no one was hurt. But I wish I could stop thinking about it!

'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' is obviously a coded suicide pact.

'Walking on Sunshine' is old slang for the flailing legs of a hanged man.