Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:07 pm I’m probably not going to kill myself unless something really horrible were to happen to the people closest to me in my life. I’m 34 years old, and I’ve gotten thru some worse parts in my life (though unfortunately I think the worst parts are yet to come with the current political climate). I’ll probably get thru this episode and feel better. But it’s both cathartic to type this all out, and I have this drive to want to inform people what my life is like. My parents never thought they’d have an autistic trans kid that struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I wish they would have.

I may not always reply, but I always read this, the cancer thread, and the sobriety thread. Someone's listening.

I’ve been unmedicated for ADHD for a year and a half beginning with the shortage from early 2023. I stopped trying after being so frustrated from being turned down from every pharmacy in Los Angeles.

So here I am a year and half later, giving it another go, I paid $250 for a telehealth appointment and have my Rx ready, surly the shortage is over now?

Wrong. Still just as bad as it was before, can’t get my Rx filled in anywhere in Los Angeles. Tons of Reddit threads confirm that it’s still an ongoing issue with no end in sight, and I’m hardly the only person in this exact same excruciatingly frustrating position.

I’m about to lose my mind, whatever’s left of it anyway. I have had the shittiest, most unproductive year and a half. Barely holding it down at my job. Barely able to keep my attention focused on making music, reading, and even playing fucking video games. I can’t even play a goddamned game for more than ten minutes at a time without losing focus and switching to another task. I won’t do it, but I understand how people turn to other illicit means considering how difficult it is do it through the proper channels.

Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 8:12 pm Just wanted to update everyone that I’m starting to feel a lot better. Still not happy about the world but it’s not as painful and immediate a feeling as it’s been the last several days and I was finally able to get myself out of bed to take care of some things that had been piling up. Ty for the words of support <3

hang in there, it will for sure get better with time. hope so!

Frankie99 wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:55 pm

Hex wrote: Fri Sep 13, 2024 12:07 pm I’m probably not going to kill myself unless something really horrible were to happen to the people closest to me in my life. I’m 34 years old, and I’ve gotten thru some worse parts in my life (though unfortunately I think the worst parts are yet to come with the current political climate). I’ll probably get thru this episode and feel better. But it’s both cathartic to type this all out, and I have this drive to want to inform people what my life is like. My parents never thought they’d have an autistic trans kid that struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I wish they would have.

I may not always reply, but I always read this, the cancer thread, and the sobriety thread. Someone's listening.

Me too.

I'm glad you're feeling better, FM Hex.

I'm glad you're feeling better, hex. I'm paying close mind to your posts, and am thinking about you.

I do think it's important for us all to remind ourselves that we're not really a specific 'state' of being, but a continuous flow of moods, physical states, and circumstances. When I'm feeling good, I try to enjoy that feeling with gratitude, knowing that feeling is temporary. When I'm feeling down, I also try to remind myself that it's also temporary, and to give myself the compassion I would extend to any thoughtful, feeling person.

A few things that always seem to help me when I'm feeling down are physical movement, rest, time in nature, connection with friends and loved ones, and disconnection from anything over which I have little control. I think the news and current events, politics in particular, fall into the latter category. Yes, we should all stay aware, do what we can to lift each other up, fight for equal rights, and lament their erosion and absence, but giving those things too much sway over our immediate daily lives, other than how they inform our actions, can be so, so detrimental.

Looking out at the state of the world and thinking 'this is all so fucked' is very much the appropriate perspective much of the time these days. Looking at ourselves and thinking 'I should be doing better' is the chorus of self-loathing. Life is fucking HARD, especially when lived fully, and we are all way too judgmental about how we internalize that fact.

bigc wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 9:39 am I'm glad you're feeling better, hex. I'm paying close mind to your posts, and am thinking about you.

Looking out at the state of the world and thinking 'this is all so fucked' is very much the appropriate perspective much of the time these days. Looking at ourselves and thinking 'I should be doing better' is the chorus of self-loathing. Life is fucking HARD, especially when lived fully, and we are all way too judgmental about how we internalize that fact.

This is so true.

Feelings are impermanent, they change in intensity and flavour. WE don't always sense that when stuck in the trap of Identifying with every feeling. (easier said than done) Try and allow the feelings to pass.

PASTA wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 3:24 pm Feelings are impermanent, they change in intensity and flavour. WE don't always sense that when stuck in the trap of Identifying with every feeling. (easier said than done) Try and allow the feelings to pass.

I think this is the actual purpose of 'muddle through, it will get better'. It's not that the circumstances will suddenly change, or that the world will get its head out of its ass in an instant - it's more that if you can manage to endure the worst of it, you'll almost certainly have a day where things just don't feel as bad, and your perspective on the rough parts will change in some way that provides some useful insight.

I also think it's worth making an effort to disengage from the external goings-on to find what is essential to you as the source of your perception, and find what makes that person curious. Learn where that curiosity is internally generated and not thrust upon you by culture, politics, entertainment, or whatever the fuck it is that's being rammed down our throats at any given moment. Maybe it's reading, music, anime, nature, swimming, poker, baseball - whatever. Just try to find that feeling and follow it.

And maybe rejoice in not being 'normal' instead of wondering why you're not 'normal'. Normal sucks. It's just a lot easier. I often wish I was motivated by the shit that our culture uses as motivation - I'd feel a lot cozier in our society, and I'd get a lot more edification from external sources.

bigc wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 3:50 pm

PASTA wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 3:24 pm Feelings are impermanent, they change in intensity and flavour. WE don't always sense that when stuck in the trap of Identifying with every feeling. (easier said than done) Try and allow the feelings to pass.

I think this is the actual purpose of 'muddle through, it will get better'. It's not that the circumstances will suddenly change, or that the world will get its head out of its ass in an instant - it's more that if you can manage to endure the worst of it, you'll almost certainly have a day where things just don't feel as bad, and your perspective on the rough parts will change in some way that provides some useful insight.

I also think it's worth making an effort to disengage from the external goings-on to find what is essential to you as the source of your perception, and find what makes that person curious. Learn where that curiosity is internally generated and not thrust upon you by culture, politics, entertainment, or whatever the fuck it is that's being rammed down our throats at any given moment. Maybe it's reading, music, anime, nature, swimming, poker, baseball - whatever. Just try to find that feeling and follow it.

And maybe rejoice in not being 'normal' instead of wondering why you're not 'normal'. Normal sucks. It's just a lot easier. I often wish I was motivated by the shit that our culture uses as motivation - I'd feel a lot cozier in our society, and I'd get a lot more edification from external sources.

This has proven very true for me. Thank you for stating it in words. I have difficulty expressing it coherently at times. However, whatever "normal" is is not an option for me, and I've accepted and embraced that long ago.

PASTA wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 4:28 pm This has proven very true for me. Thank you for stating it in words. I have difficulty expressing it coherently at times. However, whatever "normal" is is not an option for me, and I've accepted and embraced that long ago.

I hear you there lad. Solidarity.

I hope that feeling passes, or fades in time, hex.

Do you have access and/or resources for in-person talk therapy? Apologies if you've mentioned so upthread, but it just seems so necessary for what you're going though. We can do our best to lift you up here, and to offer some support and hope, but our resources are limited to words on a page.

Thinking about you and honoring your struggles right now.