So, obviously it's a long painful story, but I basically was blindsided in couples therapy a couple weeks ago that my wife wants a divorce. 19 years married, 24 years together. We have a 2-family house in Brooklyn, (with a hefty mortgage)... 17-year-old kid in her senior year of HS. So many threads, so much to manage and do. Needless to say I'm shocked, depressed and spiraling... trying to keep the house for my daughter and my livelihood (my shop is in the basement and my studio is in the house)... I've never experience a panic and depression quite like this before.

I need to find a mediator state, maybe one that is sympathetic to my lifestyle as a stay-home-dad, with small business (Tronographic), ADhD and inability at 50 to hustle or work a regular 9-5 like neurotypical people. My business has been in the toilet because of the tariffs and the general state of the economy, and my mental state for the past year or so.

I felt compelled to talk to you guys... I'm regressing and maybe shooting in the dark here. But I feel like this used to be a community I could find help within; Y'all helped me start my business and helped my bands do cool things. Some of you have been to the house, and have seen my bands play... many of you have purchased my pedals (Thank you) and a few own the speaker cabinets I have built.

I'm seeking advice, encouragement and maybe even actual help.

Yours,
David

I'm so sorry, David. If you ever feel like chatting please connect. Best wishes.

Divorce fucking sucks. The whole process was a fucking nightmare. Only positive thing I can say which I know sounds cheesy is it eventually gets better. Best decision I have made in my adult life. The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.

Feel free to reach out anytime. You got this.

rsmurphy wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 10:22 am I'm so sorry, David. If you ever feel like chatting please connect. Best wishes.

Thanks man, my life went from simple to very complicated in the last 4 years... and I guess this is a culmination.

I am sorry for you David. Divorce is very difficult for everyone involved. It's messy and expensive, emotionally and monetarily.

I also got blindsided by divorce. A different experience, of course, but I can give you a perspective from someone who went through divorce as both a child watching my parents do it and as an adult experiencing it personally.

For your children, don't ever bring them into it and never use them against your ex. Never speak poorly of your ex-wife, even if she does it to you. They are still the mother of your children and their relationship is not canon fodder. I was very fortunate that my parents, despite disliking each other so much, never spoke ill of each other. I have watched other family members poison their children's minds about their exes and it does so much destruction that can last years, decades, or even the rest of everyone's lives. It's not worth it. You can be honest, but don't speak ill. Your relationship and how it deteriorated is personal and shouldn't involve your children.

For yourself, definitely reach out to friends. I'm glad you reached out here. I was lucky enough to have friends who let me reach out to them and spill my emotions. That's what good friends are for anyway. Divorce is difficult and it takes time to process. I suggest getting therapy to help, if you can. In the end, don't go at it alone. Try to get some physical exercise, even if that means just going for a walk. It really helps with stress and can be a key component to your positive mental health.

Mediation is a 2-way street and really requires a lot of trust. In the beginning of my divorce, we tried mediation. That was until my ex-wife decided she would talk to a lawyer just to cover her bases. Then, the lawyer started making demands and my ex suggested I should trust her lawyers. Obviously, that is not something one should do. So, I had to get a lawyer to deal with her lawyer and we ended dissolving the mediation.

I got remarried a few years ago and I met my wife while she was in the process of divorce. Her ex-husband, who is a total piece of trash, was oddly trustworthy through their mediation. It was very inexpensive and less intrusive, comparatively.

My point is, mediation can work, but it takes two people to make it work. If you or your partner start becoming untrustworthy through mediation, then lawyers will happen. And, lawyers are expensive. There's a lot more resources for women regarding divorce, for obvious reasons, especially when children are involved. Though, I'm sure you could find a male advocacy group in your state.

Divorce also takes time. It took 2 years to complete mine, and that was done professionally. My wife, her divorce took about a year, as they did it DIY. The court hearing is very emotional. My sister and her ex-husband got very emotional at their hearing, and they had been separated for nearly a decade. My wife had an emotional day with her ex-husband, despite hating his guts and wanting to divorce him for the majority of their ten-year marriage. I feel like I made a mistake, I did not go to my hearing, I let my lawyer just represent me. I didn't really get closure in that way, and even though it's been almost 10 years since, I still feel bad for being too angry and depressed to show up at the hearing and get that final closure, despite going through therapy to process my divorce.

I don't have any good resources to suggest, but I am happy to offer an ear and my thoughts as you go through this terrible experience. Just know that you will get through it and each day you will look back on it, the pain be less. Take care of yourself first, be healthy for you, and it will trickle down to your kid and possibly to your ex-wife, and maybe you can continue life with a friendship, if that is possible. You will always be a part of each other's lives regardless, because you have a child and as they grow and evolve and live life, you will eventually be in the same room together.

Take care.

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 10:53 am Divorce fucking sucks. The whole process was a fucking nightmare. Only positive thing I can say which I know sounds cheesy is it eventually gets better. Best decision I have made in my adult life. The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.

Feel free to reach out anytime. You got this.

Thanks, Can you explicitly tell me why?

I need all the insight I can get.

To further complicate things, We were polyamorous for the last 6 months or so, which had it's issues but wasn't the cause of this (I know, I know) but certainly held up a magnifying glass to our deeper issues...

themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:14 am

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 10:53 am Divorce fucking sucks. The whole process was a fucking nightmare. Only positive thing I can say which I know sounds cheesy is it eventually gets better. Best decision I have made in my adult life. The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.

Feel free to reach out anytime. You got this.

Thanks, Can you explicitly tell me why?

I need all the insight I can get.

To further complicate things, We were polyamorous for the last 6 months or so, which had it's issues but wasn't the cause of this (I know, I know) but certainly held up a magnifying glass to our deeper issues...

Assuming the “Why?” is in reference to your kid, it doesn’t sound like court mandated child support is something else you need on your plate right now.

And my ex and I had a TON of problems that were evident when we first started dating and throughout our marriage, but after we ended up having a mutually agreed upon threesome with very strict parameters…well, it didn’t take long to realize, “Yeah, time to call it a day”.

Also I want to add another piece of advice that I know will sound much easier than it actually is, but if she wants a divorce, that’s that. Don’t try to fight it. Take the L. The only people that benefit from drawn out divorce proceedings are attorneys.

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.

If your kid is 17, it's most likely going to happen anyway.

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am Also I want to add another piece of advice that I know will sound much easier than it actually is, but if she wants a divorce, that’s that. Don’t try to fight it. Take the L. The only people that benefit from drawn out divorce proceedings are attorneys.

Ding ding!

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:41 am

themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:14 am

major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 10:53 am Divorce fucking sucks. The whole process was a fucking nightmare. Only positive thing I can say which I know sounds cheesy is it eventually gets better. Best decision I have made in my adult life. The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.

Feel free to reach out anytime. You got this.

Thanks, Can you explicitly tell me why?

I need all the insight I can get.

To further complicate things, We were polyamorous for the last 6 months or so, which had it's issues but wasn't the cause of this (I know, I know) but certainly held up a magnifying glass to our deeper issues...

Assuming the “Why?” is in reference to your kid, it doesn’t sound like court mandated child support is something else you need on your plate right now.

And my ex and I had a TON of problems that were evident when we first started dating and throughout our marriage, but after we ended up having a mutually agreed upon threesome with very strict parameters…well, it didn’t take long to realize, “Yeah, time to call it a day”.

Yeah, with my daughter in her senior year of HS and college on the horizon, I am afraid of this a little. The Irony is my wife's parents have the money to cover all of her college and then some, but are fucking weird with money. I'm pretty sure my wife knows coming at me for financial support would be a lost cause... She has said she expects to pay me alimony unless I try to keep her from selling the house in which she would ask that be off the table. For perspective, I have been a stay-home dad and homemaker through our whole marriage. I left the work-force when she became pregnant, this was a choice we both came to. As someone that is severely neurodivergent, an artist and a small business owner AND the one with building and carpentry skills, it just made sense for me to fill those rolls... So I only have sweat equity in the house and the relationship with very little financial contribution except what I could squeeze out of my labor of love Tronographic. I did all the shopping, cooking, house repairs, renovations, and upgrades, cared for our child, including bringing her to and from school and appointments, etc... and passing on any and all career or artistic opportunities and endeavors during along the way.

I want to find a mediator that basically understand modern gender roles are often reversed, and is sensitive to ADhD being a major factor for me moving on. And that Besides the typical home-maker I also was our contractor on our house and small business owner the whole time... My assets are tied up in the house that she wants to cut and run from. Which is disappointing, because years ago we always assumed that if a breakup happened one of us could rent the other apartment in the house and we could co-parent and cover the mortgage while I could retain my workshop in the cellar. She seems just amicable enough and wants mediation over lawyers, for cost and efficiency, but seems unwilling to start from a middle ground that accepts the position I am in. She also seems uninterested in what my daughter wants in terms of her inheriting the house. Which is really sad, as it was one of our shared dreams as a family.

Basically if I have to sell the house I will have to leave the city. I will likely have to sell off all my shop equipment and much of my studio. But even keeping the house and covering the mortgage myself will be daunting and likely impossible without a roommate or a huge change in my employment or both. Basically I feel double fucked.

Sorry, rambling and possibly sharing too much... I haven't even told my family yet, only a few close friends... I'm all fucked up.