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Boombats wrote:Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, my daughter needs to get birth control pills."

Doc says, "and how old is she?"

Guy says "she's 9 years old."

Doctor says, "wow that's very young to be taking contraceptives! Is she sexually active?"


The guy says, "no, she just lies there like her mother."

That is terrible...but brilliant. Good Lord, Boombats...

This one probably has been told before on the thread, but whatever...it's pretty long, but the payoff is good.

A guy turns 18 and he visits his grandfather for a weekend. His grandfather proceeds to tell him that when he turned 18, he immediately went out and had sex with a whore to commemorate the occasion. The grandfather then gives the guy money to do the same. The grandfather then gives him directions to go to a whorehouse, and says, "Just remember one thing - whatever you do, don't go to the third floor." So the kid promises not to go to the third floor. The kid goes and gets laid, then comes back, and the grandfather asks him if he went to the third floor, and he says no. The next day, the same thing happens. But now the kid starts getting curious. So, the third time he goes up to the third floor, and there is nothing up there but a gloryhole. So the kid sticks the money through the hole and then gets blown. This time, he goes home and his grandfather asks the same question. The kid starts to lie, but then says, "No, I did go up there, Grandpa." In response, the grandfather then takes a small bottle of mouthwash out of his pocket.

Boombats wrote:Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, my daughter needs to get birth control pills."

Doc says, "and how old is she?"

Guy says "she's 9 years old."

Doctor says, "wow that's very young to be taking contraceptives! Is she sexually active?"


The guy says, "no, she just lies there like her mother."

That was already posted.

Paraphrased slightly from Jason Rouse (I think) in the Channel 4 documentary "The Most Offensive Joke In The World":

(to smoking person in the crowd)

I don't smoke. I think it's horrible and you know why?
When I was about 8, me and my brother got someone to buy us a pack of cigarettes and we snuck home from school and sat and smoked them.
But our Dad came home from work early and caught us.
He was fucking furious and do you know what he did?
He got out this huge, vintage, Cuban cigar and he lit it up and then he took us out into the garden and made us suck his cock.

(I'm sure there's footage from the show somewhere but it made me piss laughing).

JC23by5 wrote:

Boombats wrote:Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc, my daughter needs to get birth control pills."

Doc says, "and how old is she?"

Guy says "she's 9 years old."

Doctor says, "wow that's very young to be taking contraceptives! Is she sexually active?"


The guy says, "no, she just lies there like her mother."

That was already posted.

Oops, my bad. It's a crazy long thread man!

Two morticians are talking about their day in the morgue.

First guy says, "Awww man, I had this nasty suicide case arrive on the slab. Shotgun to the head, face blown away, some real horrible stuff. Took all day to prep the body for the wake."

Second mortician says, "That's nothing, man! Today, this beautiful blonde's body arrived, and her legs were completely spreadeagled. Plus, her clitoris was exactly like a dill pickle!"

First guy looks shocked, and replied, "Fucking hell. I've never seen a clit like a dill pickle...it must have been huge! That's just unheard of!"

Second guy says, "Oh no, it wasn't the size - it just tasted all sour and vinegary".

A US soldier is stationed for special duty in a very remote outpost in the desert of Afghanistan. The base is disguised as a Pashtun encampment, and in order to maintain a convincing cover, no female soldiers or automobiles are allowed in the camp.

On his first day, the soldier says to his C.O. "It must get awful lonely around here with no women around. What do you do if you need... you know..."

The C.O. tells him, "Sure. Well, in special cases like that, we usually just take a ride on one of the camels."

The soldier thinks to himself, "there's no way I'm gonna do that, no matter how horny I get." But after several long weeks in the harsh desert, one evening he's feeling really desperate so he goes outside his tent and finds a suitable camel. He unzips his trousers, mounts it from behind and starts humping away.



No sooner does he get started, than one of the sentries spots him and immediately alerts the C.O., who runs up and confronts him.

"What in Jesus' name do you think you're doing?!?" he yells.

To which the soldier replies, "Sir, you yourself told me to go outside and use one of the camels..."

"I meant ride it into goddamn Kandahar and hire a prostitute, you dumbfuck!"

I gave £20 to Ishmael. Then I gave £30 to Isaac. Then I gave £55 to the rabbi.






























I was paying my Jews.

My grandfather got ill and died recently. For a while it seemed like he was getting better, but my mum covered his back in lard.

He went downhill really fast after that.

How do you get a Vietnamese girl pregnant?



Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.