I just got home from a work-related trip (I was by myself). On Thursday I had a lot of time on my hands so, preoccupied with my situation, I was idly reading the message board and I made up this poll. Honestly, I wasn't really all that interested in writing about myself; I just wanted to start a discussion. To get things going I mentioned my situation in general terms.
When the disapproving messages started pouring in, I tried to defend myself. Perhaps this was childish on my part. I ended up saying too much, though it's highly unlikely this would get back to anyone I know around here.
I remember now, since someone pointed it out, what Dan Savage said about romantic advice-seekers (which I became somehow) who are looking for validation and then just go ahead and do what they want. Guilty as charged, I guess. It's pointless to try and convince strangers that 1) this girl is worth it; and 2) I'm an otherwise reasonable person who normally wouldn't do something like this unless it was something like true love.
So anyway, for those who seem to care, probably nothing will happen. I will probably get tired of waiting for this girl to make up her mind. Someday I will probably be grateful I didn't fuck a married woman. I will probably leave my girlfriend regardless. I will probably do so before I move out of state at the end of the year because I now know that my feelings for her have changed and it wouldn't be fair to let her come with me, like she wants to.
But I will still want this other girl if she decides, Yes. I'm just thinking it's not likely.
adultery
83Of course I'm not the first person in a situation like this who's said, No, but this is different; this is special. Probably no one will believe me, but I don't think I'm being blinded by lust. Here's what I know about her/us:
Neither of us drink alcohol and we both work out. I smoke off-and-on; ultra lights mostly. She'll have a once-in-a-blue-moon cigarette.
My hobby is writing cynical, over-written comic novels and stories that I'm not especially proud of. She writes somewhat hostile personal essays that are quite well-crafted. I can say, honestly, that she is one of the best writers I know personally--better than anyone I went to my MFA program with. She likes my stuff for mostly technical/stylistic reasons. Our jobs are writing related. Neither of us have ambitions to write professionally or even publish anything any time soon. I read fiction; she reads non-.
Her favorite band is Radiohead, a band I'm ambivalent about. I like noise rock. She hasn't liked any of the CDs I've given her to listen to. She loaned me an Imogen Heap CD which I thought was just OK, not so great. We don't like the same music. A few years back this would have mattered to me. Not so much anymore.
She believes in God; I don't. She's given me some devotional/theological books to read. We've disagreed on many things, but have had good discussions. Our ideas on some of these matters are similar--the concept of "grace," for example--but hers are God-based and mine are not. Our discussions have led me to some questions I'm not quite able to resolve without a God. Blah blah blah. Anyway, she's intelligent. Our differing views are not divisive but interesting and thought-provoking.
But it's not all the life of the mind. We talk about dumb tv shows and what kinds of sandwiches we like. We both like gory horror movies and Scarlett Johansson.
We both have cynical and somewhat depressive personalities--we seem more outwardly cheerful than we really are. (This was a surprise as I got to know her.) We are both responsible and hard-working. We are both, generally speaking, likeable people who get along with our co-workers.
She is funny.
She is one of the most interesting and intelligent people I have ever met. She is also the most beautiful girl I've met who has been interested in me. Exquisitely, do-anything-to-get beautiful. But, again, this is not the most improtant thing.
I think I know quite a bit about her, except what she's like as girlfriend. My present girlfriend and I have little in common, but get along pretty well--so having things in common isn't necessarily of primary importance.
Again, I'm not looking for approval. But so many of the responses seem to be saying the typical things (It's wrong.) It is wrong. But I'm right about her being an extraordinary girl and I think there's a good chance that we'd be much happier together than with our present partners. Enough so to risk a lot.
Either there is nothing that special about any of this or you're doing a really bad job of making your case.
Have you tried sitting on your hand til it goes numb then beating off? I think that will solve all your problems. Yessir.