Pasta wrote:I wish I could say it was easy.^posted as a reminder to post here.Shared many of my struggles, esspecially since getting sick. Really feels like things are turnimg around. Great shrink, great job, regular meditation. Re-quit smoking weed, after a 2 month run. Was only smoking before bed, due to some pain and seizure a few weeks ago. Sleeping much more soundly, waking up in a much better mood. Exactly what I experienced about 12 years ago when I last quit. (Pretty sure weed and Lexapro do not get along.)Not over thinking. Really calm. Been a while.

Was getting better with my depression and anxiety, but that seems to have been short-lived. Last week I started having disorganized thoughts that keep me up at night. Just started a new job doing food delivery, but decided to make an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist because they are really, really bad and getting worse, even though it meant having to call off work due to the only time available being when I was scheduled. Two hours before the appointment they call and cancel, and tell me the only day available next week was another time I'm scheduled to work. I started to cry and stutter over the phone. I feel hopeless and powerless. I'm trying my best to take care of myself but I don't have enough time and money to do that. The only times I'm not depressed are when I'm with my girlfriend or other friends (unfortunately they all live about 40 miles away in Cleveland, and due to my health and financial situation there's really no way for me to move closer right now), or asleep (except when I'm having nightmares, which are almost every other day now). I've been practicing piano regularly, though, and actually notice improvement almost daily, but it's not making me happy like I thought it would. Things that used to interest me greatly like music and mathematics just don't anymore. The worst part is that in the moments I do get myself together, I see the news and wonder if there's even any point in trying when people like Trump are allowed so much power. Whenever I see articles treating him with the slightest ounce of respect or reverence because of his title I feel physically unwell. How anyone isn't depressed by default in this world is beyond me. Going to the ER this evening due to not being able to get seen by appointment.

Pasta, that is great news and it's great to hear it! Simple victories/progress are beautiful things.

Forget mental illness.. a split is enough to put any dude out of commission for a while. You have to crawl out from under this mountain of self doubt and guilt and it hurts like hell. Try and get off the meds though! They severely impede a capable persons ability to work on themselves and heal. Push yourself, go on hikes, go swimming.. When you are in jail you have to break the days and weeks and months up into portions and systematically appropriate and expend energy so that every night can be restful and so that your mind remains as clear as it can be and for as long as possible while you plan and prepare for the steps ahead.

Hey gang. It's been a rough several months since I moved in with family. At least once a month, usually once a week I really break down missing my old home with my wife and my cats. My mind gets stuck in these horrible concentric thought circles where I wind up missing my wife and feeling guilty about it since there's things that I should be upset with her about. Then I feel pathetic. Then hopeless (resources for health care, employment, and places to walk to work on my anxiety are drastically worse where I am). I've broken down and called her a few times. She doesn't answer. Sometimes these spirals lead to panic attacks. I've been getting better at that through a great deal of effort. The frequency has gone down some, but when it happens it feels like the end of the world. One put me on the edge of being. I'm very motivated to not wind up in some hellish hospital around here. The thought of it is terrifying. I hate that the room I'm staying in has a gun cabinet in it. I made sure it is locked. There are still shot guns in the garage where I try to work. I hate it.I've been trying since November to get some health care. I finally got into a system a few towns over about a month and a half ago. That is nice. The Psych put me on Cymbalta, which is what I was on when I last felt like my depression was manageable several years ago. Once it started working it was amazing. I read two books in a week when I hadn't read anything hard in years. I got stuck (long story) on Zoloft or nothing for nearly two years. This made me sleepy and confused all the time. I felt like I had my mind back. Then, this week, I figured out why I probably got off of it the first time. It makes me constipated and feel general GI-terrible. I'll have to talk to the doc. I don't want to go on another years long search for a medication that works and doesn't have terrible side effects. Besides, it's probably easier to list what I haven't tried than what I have. There's not much else to try. I put in an application at Food Lion as that's about all there is here. Oh, I tried to start vocational rehab in January. I have my first real meeting next month. Things feel grim often. Reading feels good again if pain isn't too distracting. I'm trying to be patient. There so much I miss. I miss having a record store (and money). I miss friends. I mostly miss the cats.

Dear Vatican Shotglass,I've been thinking a lot about what you've written on this page and here are some of my thoughts...VaticanShotglass wrote:I've broken down and called her a few times. She doesn't answer. I stopped having too much contact with my ex for a while after we split. I felt too much was unhealthy and wasn't going to help me move on with my life or get over them. I know it seems like that person that you spent so much time with understands you better than anyone else but... In your case it sounds like she was not understanding about your mental health issues, and is not going to be of much help anyway. Some people suck at that, even when they have plenty of issues of their own. VaticanShotglass wrote:There are still shot guns in the garage where I try to work. I hate it. If only you lived in the UK. All those guns would have to be locked in cabinets. Such is life.VaticanShotglass wrote:I've been trying since November to get some health care. I finally got into a system a few towns over about a month and a half ago. That is nice. The Psych put me on Cymbalta, which is what I was on when I last felt like my depression was manageable several years ago. Once it started working it was amazing. I read two books in a week when I hadn't read anything hard in years. I got stuck (long story) on Zoloft or nothing for nearly two years. This made me sleepy and confused all the time. I felt like I had my mind back. Then, this week, I figured out why I probably got off of it the first time. It makes me constipated and feel general GI-terrible.I've been off my meds for 13 years now and never felt better, mental health wise. I was on a couple of SSRIs for depression. The first (name of which escapes me right now) gave me terrible anxiety and agoraphobia, so I switched to a different one after a couple of months. The second, Fluoxetine (prozac) seemed to help at first. After 18 months of being on that, I looked back at my behaviour and it was worse than ever before. My highs were much higher, my lows were much lower. I was drinking any booze I could get my hands on, smashing things up and generally scaring the shit of people around me and getting trouble with the law. I needed to get off those little pills, which were supposed to be helping me, but weren't.I tapered off them really slowly, even more slowly than my doctors told me to, but the withdrawl was hell. I've never been one for bodily self harm, but I remember feeling so numb that I sawed three big cuts into my arm just to see if I could feel anything. I still have the scars all these years later to remind me not to do that again. It took me six months for the withdrawl to be completely over and to get back to how I was before I went on the meds.I know some people who SSRIs really work for, so what I said doesn't apply to everyone. I just think I should warn people sometimes as I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through unnecessarily.Have you tried focussing on whatever the most debilitating symptom is and asking for a med specifically for that? Something for anxiety perhaps, that you can just take on the bad days and not day in day out?For anyone who thinks 'He's off his meds, that explains a lot', know this.. When my mother was on her work funded CBT, I read all of her CBT books. Some of it, I use a lot now. Some not. Some of the coping strategies I have, I came up with by myself over time, but they largely work for me and aren't too unhealthy (I hope).Vaticanshotglass, separation is tough as hell and I hope you can get through it all as unscathed as possible. We need as many people like you around here as we can get. I think sometimes bad circumstances force us into finding new direction in life. May your new direction be better than Spinal Tap's Jazz Odyssey.Yours Sincerely,Johnny Doglands

Thanks, guys. Other than gut problems I had a rather decent day. Went to the therapist, did some cleaning, etc. Hayate's prison analogy is a good one and pretty close to the day to day strategy I'm attempting. The frequency of the terrible days has been less in recent months. I still have bad nights, but I used to have bad months not too long ago. That's something I try to keep in perspective. It wasn't a good idea to try and talk to my wife. As much as I loved that relationship, there's no water in that well for me anymore. I understand that when I'm lucid. Sometimes I'm not so lucid, however.I have some CBT strategies under my belt. I think I'm getting better. I've just had some serious set backs and my current environment is rather discouraging. I'll figure it out. I got out of here when I was 18, I'll do it again. As for meds, I was off any for most of last year. I did the tapering off very carefully. It was miserable. It felt like I was made of glass. I was just a nervous wreck, far more agitated. Everything was like nails on a chalkboard. The med I'm on right now has been great for my depression and cuts the edge with my nerves. It's just the side effects that have started to get me down. I was on clonazepam for as needed use for anxiety. It works really well for when I know I have to do something or be somewhere stressflul (like exist in a grocery store). I was very responsible with it, but my current doctor doesn't prescribe benzos at all because of all the addiction problems people are having. That kinda pisses me off but I've had worse medical arrangements. It's just really nice to be able to think again. I hope I can maintain that.

VaticanShotglass wrote:It's been a bad week. I wish it wouldn't my family so much if I were just gone. I mean, not everybody makes it. I'm sticking with it, though. Fuck. My therapist ditched me for group therapy where we go through workbooks. It feels like I'm in kindergarten. So it is back to not talking to anyone anymore.I understand how frustrating Group, and the workbooks can be. Give it a chance. I'm finishing 2 months of intensive group, pretty much daily, as part of my Rehab from booze. It has been surprisingly helpful.Also, Don't look at it as your Therapist ditching you. Your therapist, moved you into another stage of treatment, in the hope of helping you further.Godspeed, VatGlass.

It's been a bad week. I wish it wouldn't hurt my family so much if I were just gone. I mean, not everybody makes it. I'm sticking with it, though. Fuck. My therapist ditched me for group therapy where we go through workbooks. It feels like I'm in kindergarten. So it is back to not talking to anyone anymore.

VaticanShotglass wrote:It's been a bad week. I wish it wouldn't hurt my family so much if I were just gone. I mean, not everybody makes it. I'm sticking with it, though. Fuck. My therapist ditched me for group therapy where we go through workbooks. It feels like I'm in kindergarten. So it is back to not talking to anyone anymore.Hey man - I went thru a bad period like you're having myself. I had similar feelings - and really leaned on my family to get thru it. I'm so thankful that I did. Hang in there - and talk to anyone who will really listen. So sorry you're going thru this.